February 13

I'm feeling better and better each day. Other than feeling exhausted all the time and my skin still itching and peeling, I'm feeling pretty good. It's amazing what the body can do. I have no doubt that, at this rate, I will be more than ready for the battle of round two. My baby turned 4 months old today. It's incredible to see him grow, physically and mentally. He's such a smilely happy baby, we are so lucky he has such a natrually sweet disposition. We should be starting sleep training this week, and I have high hopes that we might at least begin, but I can see already that he's inherited my inane stuborness and today for nap (in the crib rather than the swing), in the battle of mom versus baby - baby won. Seems like he's going through enough with all of the changes as it is; if baby Kai wants to nap in my arms, well I'm not going to complain about that.  Every second I get with him now is another second to take with me next week when we'll be apart again.

This weekend has just been a restful weekend, regaining strength and getting back to feeling semi normal. Jeff's parents are still with us (and will be until next Sunday) and my dad and step-mom were here for the weekend too. Today we even went for a walk outside with the baby, which was great. We got to see some of our neighbors, which did a lot for making me feel like a normal member of society, and we walked up to the main part of town.  It's weird to be out among "normal" people. I feel like I don't really belong. Now that the treatments have begun, I feel more like a patient and less like a person. But that's okay because the patient part will end (soon, since the IL-2 will work) and the person part will be reborn.  People who have suffered from cancer often talk about celebrating two birthdays for the rest of their lives - the day they were born and the day they were told they were disease free. I can understand that feeling. After I am cured, I know it will feel like I have a second chance at life. I know I will be a different person from this experience. I will be reborn.  And for this second life, I will remember how precious every moment is and I will make the most of the time I am given.

I don't have a lot to talk about today. I'm just resting at home, enjoying my time before returning to the Clinical Center. But I wanted to post so all would know I am okay. Today I am thankful for the warm weather that allowed us a walk outside; my extremely supportive neighbors; all of the delicious food people are loving preparing for us; my wonderful family and friends; and, as always, my incredible husband and perfect baby Kai. You may have won today, my love, but I am a mommy first and foremost, and by the end of this week, you will be napping in your crib. And if not, well then, surely the week after that.......