Tuesday, February 15, 2011

February 15

Well last night the baby slept from 9:00pm until 5:00am.  Sleep training accomplished, I guess my work there is done. Ha - I will, of course, eat those words around 3:00am tonight, but for now we'll pretend it's true. Another restful day at home. I'm feeling better every day. Tomorrow we have baby Kai's 4-month doctor's appointment, including his second round of vaccinations.  I think tomorrow he may be feeling worse than I am, poor baby. Every day I am astounded by how much I love him. Every time I look at him, my love for him wells up and overflows into a joy that is almost painful. Yesterday, he was in his swing napping, and I was sitting on the couch stroking a little toy that he has - a little blue blanket with a stuffed bear's head and arms and on the blanket the words "my mommy thinks I'm amazing" are embroidered. And while I was sitting there, watching him sleep peacefully in his swing, I thought that there is a chance that he will never know how true those words are. If these treatments don't work (but of course they will, they will, they will), then Kai will never know how much I love him. He won't even remember me. All of this overflowing absolute love that I feel for him every second, all of the smiles and laughs that he gives me, all of the snuggles and kisses we share, everything that has become my world, he will not remember. And it is this thought that haunts me during the weaker times. It is this possibility that I cannot bear. As much as I can say over and over again that everything is going to work out perfectly and soon this will all be a distant memory, the thought that my sweet baby might grow up and live his whole life not knowing this amazing love that I feel for him, not knowing me at all, causes a pain that is so blinding that I cannot conceive that it could even be a possibility. I am not worried about the treatments not working for myself. I am terrified of them not working because I cannot, I will not, leave my son.  He deserves to know this love I have for him. He deserves to understand that he is the center of my world. He deserves a mother who loves him more than life itself.

Even though this is a week of healing and regaining strength, it is difficult to not be doing anything. I am anxious to start the second round of treatment - to continue fighting. And I am looking forward to the month of healing afterwards, although I imagine it will be incredibility difficult to wait that month to find out the results of the scans (to see if the IL-2 is working). For this to be behind us, we have to continue on, and I am impatient in the pause. My sweet Jeff keeps reminding me over and over that we are going to beat this. I tell myself every day how lucky I am to have so many possibilities. I think about Dr. Phan's and Dr. Schaub's hopefulness when they told us that my blood work looks favorable for the IL-2 and that my new cells appear to be growing. But some days aren't as bright as others, and today even cookies couldn't keep away my fears.

Today I am thankful for visits from Renee and Helen; the continued support, love, and yummy foods from our MMG family; the now four neighbors with melanoma support signs in their yards that scream "HOPE" every time I look out the window; all of the chores, errands, and help provided by Jeff's parents; the sun that will shine brightly tomorrow; and as always, my wonderful husband Jeff and my precious baby Kai. I will not leave you, little one, that is something that I cannot do.


  1. Young lady, you seem to have more doubts right now. I can tell you from my bouts with depression that this is normal. Your healing comes from within. Keep the positive flowing. Although the doubts will surface from time to time. You can do this---you can---you can. You have a wonderful support system. That is a huge help. Try writing down your blessings and read them when those doubts creep in. You need to keep the positive in the lead. God bless. NKH

  2. Never forget that you are part of Kai; deep down, in his innermost being, he will always know your love and when we're all there to see him graduate from university, the dark thoughts will be such a distant memory. Fight on, as you're anxious to do but remember that even this interlude between treatments is just another phase of the battle that you're winning. Love, Uncle Q.

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  4. No matter what, you will always be there for Kai and he WILL always know how much you love him. He knows when you hold him and he knows when you entrust him to loved ones during your treatments. We are all so amazed and inspired by your positive attitude, but you are definitely allowed to feel the entire range of emotions, especially as it seems to further your resolve to keep fighting.
    Rest up now and absorb as much of the "normalcy" as possible. You may be afraid of the second round because you know what you are in for, but now you know your adversary a little bit better which only makes you that much stronger for the fight.

    I still remember the first time my son slept through the night. I woke up and saw the clock and felt like I must have missed something and then the "yes!" sunk in :) I would definitely celebrate this small victory! Good luck with the vaccines... I still hate that part!

    I think of and pray for you and your family every day.

  5. Jamie - No amount of darkness can dim the light of a candle. Your life is the candle. Now, you take that amazing love and use it to fuel your mission to beat this thing. XO

  6. The pain of a mother’s love ... I have not faced what you are facing, Jamie, but I know that pain. You just can't believe how much you love another thing on this earth!? You don't want a single tear, a single itch, a single bad thought to shadow just how perfect their little life could be. I understand! And I am sorry to say that the loving-pain doesn't go away even as they grow. Instead we hope it's always balanced by their smiles, their successes, their hugs and then the little things they do to show you that same love right back. I hear you are enjoying THIS day, THIS moment, THIS love.... Living day by day is so cliché and easier said than done? yeah....
    Still Praying,

  7. Jamie-I truly understand the deep love that happens between mother and son. When Jack was an infant I would hold him in my arms and weep tears of joy for this precious soul that was brought into my life. I have never felt so grateful. Jack is 12 now and I this powerful love still brings tears to my eyes...I am teary just writing this. As a photographer I have always taken tons of photos to mark every tiny event in his life. I'm sure you take photos of you and your family...keep snapping. It's just like blogging...maybe it will ease your fears.

    Kai knows this powerful love. He always will. No doubt.

    "But I just want you girls to understand something about motherhood, okay? I mean, it is the most impossible love. You tell me when it ends.
    You tell me when it stops." ~from the movie Because I Said So

  8. Love cannot be destroyed. Love endures forever. No matter what the future brings, the power of your love for Kai (and for Jeff) will never never end. And Kai will know how much you love him.

  9. I feel for you so much. Pardon my French, but the waiting SUCKS. But Jamie, please for the love of God believe me when I say I cannot envision a world without you in it. I cannot envision a world where Kai grows up without his mother and Jeff grows old without his beloved wife. It's not that I refuse to envision it. I am UNABLE to do it. Your words, your SPIRIT, have made my confidence in you harder than diamond. Doubt and fear are part of the day-to-day, so don't beat yourself up. Just enjoy the free time with the lil goober, ur displaced Red Sox fan of a husband, and ur Nintendo DS (Starfox is incredible btw). Just let us remind you of your own confidence. You are DOING YOUR JOB and HOLDING UP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN. MAINTAINING YOUR ATTITUDE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF. As much as I don't buy into religious healing, I believe in the power of the human mind and spirit. Just keep fighting for love and the fun of eventually getting a full-night of sleep.

    Love you so damn much and still so damn proud of you,


    p.s. My cell is 440-799-3480. I'd love to hear from you and send some verbal love if u have the energy/time.

  10. Jamie, what you described is exactly how I feel about you -- from the moment I first held you until this very day. And, I plan on feeling this overflowing love for many, many years to come. Kai will know your love. He knows it now and he will know it for all your years together. You ARE a light in this world as Angelica said. You are needed here. You will light the way for Kai as he grows up surrounded by your love. Your future book will light the way to hope for so many others as they walk this journey knowing how you survived with love, courage, hope and "guts". Hang in there, honey. You are doing it !

  11. Dear Jamie - Keep writing your thoughts down here and years later you can show this blog to Kai and read it with him together. :)